On the bus ride home to Portland from Seattle, I was staring out the window thinking about what compassion looks like and how I can be more compassionate towards others.
I desire to be more compassionate. I want to smile at people who don’t want to smile and just be with them. Not by them. I want to show them that they are deserving of love and happiness just as much as I am and just as much as everyone else.
I want to smile at a worker who feels they cannot smile instead of being angry at the fact that I wasn’t treated with warmth. Instead, I want to accept people as they are and be that understanding person. I want to recognize that maybe their day, week, month, or year has been rough.
I just want to learn to be with people, be at their level, and shed a little light on them. And that’s sometimes hard to do.
I hate how negative I become when I don’t get an A in a class.
So far what’s crossed my mind is
"you’re not worthy"
"you’re a failure"
This isn’t healthy. Instead of shaming myself, I should just accept it and recognize what I did learn, what I was able to do with my capabilities, where I might have fallen, and what I can do better in the future.
Self reminder: Grades don’t really matter in life. It’s what you get out of a class that is much more important.
I got an 89.9% in art history class. So close to an A. Jesus. I hate my life LOL. She is one of the toughest graders. Like wow.
Can we talk about how she gave me an 18 out of 30 on participation when I talked every single class? I also aced my midterm and final…what even.
I bet two people in our class ended up with A’s =_=
I think us humans forget that we belong to each other. It’s easy to feel alone, and it’s easy to forget that we humans are inherently interconnected. Every single being is important to life on earth. It is so important to recognize the importance of coexisting with one another, because on our own we are confused.
We belong to each other, and it’s something I just want to say from the depth of my heart to others.
Every single year we went to Japan, my Mom and I would stop by Sophia University to meet Father Berry who was a former president of the university.
This is the university my Mom graduated from, and this priest was her English professor. He encouraged my Mom to go to America and helped her a lot in making that happen. Without him, I wouldn’t be here today.
Over the summer, I got the chance to see Father again, and we took him out for lunch.
Just a couple nights ago, I was informed that he was diagnosed with Leukemia. I’m really sad to hear the news and I probably won’t get a chance to see him by the time I study abroad at the university next year.
I don’t wish for him to become healthier or to necessarily live longer, but I pray that he dies peacefully. He doesn’t have much longer, but I think he did so much in his time here on earth. I mean he took a ship in the 60’s from America all the way to Japan and spent the rest of his life over there for a mission.
I just wish him much peace.
My Mom asked me who my closest friends are and I said, I don’t know. I just kind of interact with many different people. I meet a lot of people. Some of these connections remain for a moment or a certain period of time, and others fade away. She told me, she’s happy to hear that I’m not very attached which is true. I have detached connections with people. People I need come into my life at the right time and I cherish the moments I have with these people in the time that I have them in my life. I have connections and deep conversations with people I feel I can open up to, but I’m almost never really attached. I kind of feel like a Novice priest who just moves from place to place. Never really sticking to one crowd of people. I learn a kind of unconditional love in that way. I’ve never really been the kind to be someone’s best friend. At least that’s what I have noticed so far.
I do like having a detached connection with people because it’s easier to say goodbye and part our ways after college, but I also think having close friendships are meaningful, and it gets lonely when I think about all the friends I have and not knowing whom I feel I can confide in or simply ask if they want to have lunch or dinner with me. Detachment is forever going to be a difficult task for humans.
I just spent over 4 hours talking to one of my greatest friend about gender identity. Thank you so much Max. I feel like I have enlightened myself with new awarenesses.
In memory of our friend Kaylee who committed suicide on November 19, 2013.
Hot pink was her favorite color, but I didn’t have any of that color so I hope that the thought counts and that she is smiling from above. I wore the pink heart today because I was unable to attend her memorial service and this was my way of honoring her.
On the day she passed away, I went to my university’s chapel to put her picture on the altar of those who have died, I lit a candle for her and prayed for her.
We are thinking of you Kaylee. Rest in Peace. You are always loved by the WTP community and from people at my university who never knew you.
I still have to remember that friendships are going to change and shift over time and I have to be open to that.
I also need to remind myself that people are still willing to be open to friendships, meaning that even though it seems like people have established friend groups, many are open to reaching out and befriending you.
Even so, I still feel like an extension of people’s lives.
The awkward moment when you’re looking up tags on instagram to follow random people that seem interesting and you realize the random person you followed is someone you saw on campus for like a minute and that said hi to you. I feel awkward. This person followed me back too. I hope they don’t remember me because I feel like that’s awkward. LOL…
This person doesn’t even go to my uni.
The last thing I want to see happen is seeing people’s identities being rejected, and people’s experiences be invalidated.
Just spent almost two hours talking about gender identity experiences with my friend over dinner. It was a much needed and fulfilling conversation for me. So glad I have someone to speak about my experiences with and a community to do that in.
"Narrate a spiritual experience."
This final is a lot more difficult than I thought. I’ve been wresting with this for a while now and I still don’t know what to write about and which story I want to focus on.